the days following the ecstasy are always filled with longing and the lingering feeling that everyone in the world will leave you without a moment's notice. jaron and i break the pills in half with our front teeth and in sixty minutes' time we swim into a warm wave meeting it halfway. in the next few hours we exist only for each other trying hard to stare at each other though our eyes keep rolling into the back of our heads. i rest on him. he rests on me. we are in complete and total undeniable love for each other. but the next day i feel like it is over between us. i don't want to leave his sight be'cos i am sure it will mean that he will forget about me. i wonder sometimes if the swimming is worth the doubt.

two months ago when i opened this i was on the verge of cutting the cord. of stepping away from something that i have tried and tried to build into something i will never be able to step away from. this love i have that seemed so expendable that now seems intangible with the intangibility of something that is only a strong concept and not an object. something that cannot be held be'cos to exist in time and space and matter is to be destructible. i don't doubt anything. i want to be married. i want to be tied to this man forever. i wonder if there are ever words that can convey that thought. how anyone ever comes to say these things i think to another human being. the vulnerability that comes with unveiling is terrifying. maybe true love is the loss of worry about vulnerability.

i want to create this as some sort of homage to. ______ whatever that space may be filled with. i want something tangible to be felt of this warmth.